Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

Here to help

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn