Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh