Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.