Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”