Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Friend: OMG, someone wrote “Wash Me B*tch!” on your car!

Me: Oh, I wrote that as a reminder to myself.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

the prophecies have been fulfilled

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day