Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

I cannot stop laughing at this

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain