Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

lmfao come on

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.