Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nice challenge

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.