STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.