Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋