STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”