@MarkAgee

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

- @MarkAgee

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Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

@KimmyMonte

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

@vonTraphaus

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

@HomeProbably

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

@stephenjmolloy

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
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@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@philyuck

mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark

@Skoogeth

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop