Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@zachreinert03

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

@TheGrimKing

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

@KimmyMonte

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

@Eden_Eats

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

@vonTraphaus

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

@HomeProbably

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

@stephenjmolloy

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@philyuck

mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark

@Skoogeth

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop