Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
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I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months