Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

(Electricians.)

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters