Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My humor is broken
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.