{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
That was easy.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Hear me out: WrestleVania
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river