Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Weighing up my bread heating options

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Spring of Deception

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.