“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I can’t be the only one 😂
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]