“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭