“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
True
smh
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.