Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Noah was an idiot.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Autocarrot sucks!

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

I am crying

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!