Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Something Saturday.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.