Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema