Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning