Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
😼🖥️
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
One of the best
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.