Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

is this a threat

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”