Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room