Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born