BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
This squirrel eats better than I do
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Wait a minute…
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager