stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
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He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
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interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
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[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.