stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Mornin
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
happy mother’s day❤️
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
