Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.