Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
You Might Also Like
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
This will never not be funny 😭
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.