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@3sunzzz

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

@Amiigat

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

@internetluke

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

@GrantTanaka

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

@SarahArcherM

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

@CruisinSoozan

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

@_RobertSchultz

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

@JessObsess

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

@thomcat101

No, those welts on my back aren’t from a night of passion..
I just did an aggressive hair flip