If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
my dog when i have a friend over
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro