Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
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My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter