Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*