Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
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i was baptized in a car wash
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.