Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.


Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”


wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote


[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”


Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.


*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*

*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*


Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.


throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..


Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”