I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
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*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.
*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*
*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”