Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
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Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
We’ve come full circle
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Fights fire with marshmallows
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist