Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle