Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
You Might Also Like
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”