@scot7a

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: Well folks, that’s my time! You’ve been been a great cr–

SNAIL AUDIENCE, responding to “How’s everybody doing tonight?”: Good!

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@actioncookbook

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

@Kendragarden

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

@KenJennings

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

@LuvPug

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

@FeverFlave

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

@krissywillbretz

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.