[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”