STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
You Might Also Like
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.