Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?