Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom