“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
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[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.