“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
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this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Oh yeah that’s it
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.