“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game