“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
it takes so much energy
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.