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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Good morning, Twitter 😊

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

*updates tinder bio*

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

Thrilling chase underway

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.