Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

😁

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”