Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet