Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
You Might Also Like
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I cannot stop laughing at this
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do