stand with me against insufficient seating
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.