stand with me against insufficient seating
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Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I always check on the non existent cake in the oven when the dryer timer goes off.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”