Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.