[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
How many? 🤔
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Catering service
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords