Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges