Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

“I took care of your clown problem.”

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese