[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?