Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

12653.

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.