Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Can. I. Help. You.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!