[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
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Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….