[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.