Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

All is fair in drunk and war.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

Simple

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

It has been 3 years since Monday.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.