[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake