[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“Worm Regards”
We decided to have money instead of children.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”