Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

Tapped in

Morning all.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.