[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.