[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
i wish we could shoplift online
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”