[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
There is no try. There is only give up.
beware of dog
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy