[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.