[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
how to have an accident 101
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”