Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Your secret is safeish with me

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back