[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*![]()
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Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
weddings should have a worst man
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…