Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.