Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1579458424189886466/pu/vid/336x416/nMzVaIj6X0Tnv8Da.mp4?tag=12

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

Saint West, the patron of selfies

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.