[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
😭😭😭
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Mornin
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up