[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I just tested negative for patience.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?