Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*