Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
It was worth a shot 😂
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain