Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
lmao😭🤣
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
But wait…
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Time heals everything 🙂
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly