Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
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Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”