Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
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[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
japanese corn
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.