Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
🤣🤣🤣
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.